A Storm is Coming
I'm back.
It's been quite a long time since I posted in this blog. In my defense, I gave you fair warning that I wouldn't be posting much until I get used to it. Well, I'm used to the schedule...kind of.
I can basically recap my entire week in one word: Work. I've been working the 5-3 shift all week including Saturday and it has been a whirlwind! Things have changed and shuffled, I've been promoted, I've witnessed firings, laying off in great mass, and a whole lot of confusion and mis-communication. I'm starting to figure out that no one really knows what they're doing there. It all started on a Thursday...
I went in at 5:50 AM, hating life and everything about it. I spent the first hour training and then, it began. I spent the next 7 hours putting stickers on clothing tags. No sitting, no phone, no music, no one speaking English around me. I was really discouraged after the first 15 minute break when I sat alone because I had no one to talk to, so I resolved to find someone to talk to on the next break, it didn't matter who. I sat next to a guy who had big gages in his ears and a lip ring. I was scared out of my mind but I said "hello, how is your morning going?" He answered, and proceeded to get up and leave...wow. I had pretty much hit rock bottom and just sort of slogged through the rest of the day; with the final blow coming when I found out I had to be into work at 5 the next day AND I'd be working Saturday. I got home and sat in the garage just staring at the steering wheel. I wanted to quit. This is coming from someone who worked for over a year and a half conducting phone surveys. I wanted to quit after day one. I went and laid down, wishing I could just run away from life. Mom got home and asked how day one was, I slumped down against the wall and started to cry. I was so discouraged and honestly scared to think that the next 3 months would be this way. We had a good discussion that helped me feel better, but the fear was still there.
I grew up with separation anxiety. When my parents would go out of town overnight, I would get very scared and have panic attacks. I hadn't felt that anxiety and pure fear until Thursday night, when I suddenly was overwhelmed with panic; I didn't think I'd be able to handle the next three months. Is this how my life's going to be? Am I going to have to get up early and go to bed early all because of this job? Will I be able to do anything else? My fears were taking over me and I felt consumed in doubt and despair. It was petty, but it was happening.
I got a blessing from my good dad, and I'm so grateful for his worthiness to be able to answer the call instantly. I still had my fears and the sick feeling in my stomach so I went to bed. I remember dropping to my knees and pleading for comfort. As it has happened many many times in my life, I heard the words from Doctrine and Covenants 101:16
The next day, I went to work and about half way through the day, I got a call from my mom telling me that there was a job opening at the school I used to work at, 4 hours a day! I jumped on the job offer and got the job that afternoon! I'm free! I can quit the other job and I'll just get another job to make up for the four hours, I felt on top of the world! I went and talked to my boss...and found out that it's actually only 1 hour a day. Well, I'm doomed. Not only can I not quit the warehouse job, but now I have this job to go with it! I"m worse off than I was before! All of those feelings of fear and being overwhelmed came back and I was thrown back into my pit of despair.
But again, the tender mercies of the Lord reminded me of these words:
I was ready to go into work on Saturday, fulfill my shift, and quit, immediately seeking out new employment. I was about halfway through the day when I was pulled aside and given, a promotion. I was promoted after 3 days. Well, how on earth am I supposed to quit now?? It looks like I'm here for the long haul. So, here I am. Working 5-3 every day, including Saturday. I'm tired, I'm bored, I'm ready to be done, but I'm humble. I am here at this job for a reason, and I will someday realize what that reason is. Things have been better, I met a lady that speaks English and is very nice. Things just haven't gone right for her lately, and that really humbled me. I'm lucky to have this job, some would kill for the job I have. So I ate my slice of humble pie and started trying a real better attitude about my job.
On Monday, about 40 new temps were hired, putting the number of temps at around 120. They worked Monday and came into work to find out that they were all let go, all 40 of them. As the day went on I saw temp after temp after temp going home early! Like, 7:00 early! I didn't know what was going on so I asked a supervisor; turns out all but 10 temps were let go, including the entire night shift. Holy Cow. I don't think it's a coincidence that I just happen to be one of the only people that kept a job there. I need this job for money to fund a mission for the Lord.
That's when it hit me.
I went in at 5:50 AM, hating life and everything about it. I spent the first hour training and then, it began. I spent the next 7 hours putting stickers on clothing tags. No sitting, no phone, no music, no one speaking English around me. I was really discouraged after the first 15 minute break when I sat alone because I had no one to talk to, so I resolved to find someone to talk to on the next break, it didn't matter who. I sat next to a guy who had big gages in his ears and a lip ring. I was scared out of my mind but I said "hello, how is your morning going?" He answered, and proceeded to get up and leave...wow. I had pretty much hit rock bottom and just sort of slogged through the rest of the day; with the final blow coming when I found out I had to be into work at 5 the next day AND I'd be working Saturday. I got home and sat in the garage just staring at the steering wheel. I wanted to quit. This is coming from someone who worked for over a year and a half conducting phone surveys. I wanted to quit after day one. I went and laid down, wishing I could just run away from life. Mom got home and asked how day one was, I slumped down against the wall and started to cry. I was so discouraged and honestly scared to think that the next 3 months would be this way. We had a good discussion that helped me feel better, but the fear was still there.
I grew up with separation anxiety. When my parents would go out of town overnight, I would get very scared and have panic attacks. I hadn't felt that anxiety and pure fear until Thursday night, when I suddenly was overwhelmed with panic; I didn't think I'd be able to handle the next three months. Is this how my life's going to be? Am I going to have to get up early and go to bed early all because of this job? Will I be able to do anything else? My fears were taking over me and I felt consumed in doubt and despair. It was petty, but it was happening.
I got a blessing from my good dad, and I'm so grateful for his worthiness to be able to answer the call instantly. I still had my fears and the sick feeling in my stomach so I went to bed. I remember dropping to my knees and pleading for comfort. As it has happened many many times in my life, I heard the words from Doctrine and Covenants 101:16
"Be Still, and know that I am God."Those words always calm my troubles, I looked at a spot on the wall and focused on it, something my dad taught me to do. I focused on the wall and absorbed myself in the moment; I let go of the big picture and thought to myself "the only thing that matters is tomorrow".
The next day, I went to work and about half way through the day, I got a call from my mom telling me that there was a job opening at the school I used to work at, 4 hours a day! I jumped on the job offer and got the job that afternoon! I'm free! I can quit the other job and I'll just get another job to make up for the four hours, I felt on top of the world! I went and talked to my boss...and found out that it's actually only 1 hour a day. Well, I'm doomed. Not only can I not quit the warehouse job, but now I have this job to go with it! I"m worse off than I was before! All of those feelings of fear and being overwhelmed came back and I was thrown back into my pit of despair.
But again, the tender mercies of the Lord reminded me of these words:
"I am the Gardener here, I know what I want you to become."Alright Mr. Gardener, I believe; help thou my unbelief.
I was ready to go into work on Saturday, fulfill my shift, and quit, immediately seeking out new employment. I was about halfway through the day when I was pulled aside and given, a promotion. I was promoted after 3 days. Well, how on earth am I supposed to quit now?? It looks like I'm here for the long haul. So, here I am. Working 5-3 every day, including Saturday. I'm tired, I'm bored, I'm ready to be done, but I'm humble. I am here at this job for a reason, and I will someday realize what that reason is. Things have been better, I met a lady that speaks English and is very nice. Things just haven't gone right for her lately, and that really humbled me. I'm lucky to have this job, some would kill for the job I have. So I ate my slice of humble pie and started trying a real better attitude about my job.
On Monday, about 40 new temps were hired, putting the number of temps at around 120. They worked Monday and came into work to find out that they were all let go, all 40 of them. As the day went on I saw temp after temp after temp going home early! Like, 7:00 early! I didn't know what was going on so I asked a supervisor; turns out all but 10 temps were let go, including the entire night shift. Holy Cow. I don't think it's a coincidence that I just happen to be one of the only people that kept a job there. I need this job for money to fund a mission for the Lord.
That's when it hit me.
Maybe there's a reason this has been so hard on me.
My life has been so great lately. A great job at BYU, school, fun times with friends, life in the dorms, life was so good. Now, I'm at a really crummy job, living at home again, no time for friends, and nothing but work. Why would I be sent from the high life to the doldrums?? Why would the Lord do this to me? Maybe it's because the Lord wants to see just how bad I want to serve a mission. Maybe, Satan wants to see me fall, wants to see me give up. Maybe one person wants me out there really bad and will do anything to make sure I'm ready to go, and maybe the other wants me to stay home so bad, he's willing to make my life as hard as possible to prevent me from going, because I have great things ahead of me in McAllen.
“We’re in a time when we must choose between what is right and what is easy.”
Life isn't meant to be a cakewalk. It's supposed to be hard, sometimes very hard. If life were easy and we were never put through difficult times that try our faith and our endurance, what would be the point of being here? We wouldn't grow and develop, we wouldn't learn anything, and we wouldn't appreciate the good.
"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so...righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility."
Be brave, be strong, endure, and do not be moved.
AMS
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