For the Sake of Writing

I don't really know why I'm here right now.

Sometimes, you just have to write I guess.

So, here I am, writing in my blog. I don't really know what sparked the urge to write in my blog and I don't have much to say, but maybe as I'm writing, more thoughts will pop into my head and I'll end up with a decent post.  Usually I'm asleep right now since I don't have to wake up at 4 in the morning anymore. I have hours compounded now of missed sleep from those three weeks that you could say I'm trying to catch up on. That's my story and I'm sticking with it.

My philosophy is, when you're tired, you sleep.

I had a dream last night where I was going into the MTC and I had forgotten a ton of things; one of which was the book "Jesus the Christ" which my mom's been trying to get me to read for about a year now. I finally took the book off the shelf and I'll probably start it today. Definitely need to get that read before I leave. I have a whole list of things I need to get done in the next couple of weeks in preparation for my mission. I don't want to spend the last few weeks I have here doing all of that, I'd much rather spend that time amongst friends and family since that will be the last time I see them for a couple of years, maybe ever.

Now I find myself laying in bed thinking about things. Mostly my mission. I still hasn't really hit me yet that I already have my mission call and I'm literally 2 months away from putting everything in my life on hold for 2 years to preach the gospel. Big events like that don't really dawn on me until I'm actually living those events.  BYU was one of those things.  I honestly didn't realize I was moving out and heading to college until the day of when I finished packing and drove away.  I looked back and thought to myself "this is really happening".  I like change, and I embrace change, but it sometimes scares me to death.  I think I like to face changes head on as long as I have someone there with me. When I have to enter the unknown alone, I'm pretty preemptive about it. When I went to BYU, I had Ethan as a roommate so it was just a lot of fun. We kinda stuck around each other for the first week until we made new friends and branched out. I'm guessing the mission will be pretty similar to that; get out there pretty nervous and reserved, get to know my companion and the language, branch out and make friends with some investigators, love life in the heart of Texas! At least that's what I'm hoping for.

I keep leaving this page that I'm writing this on to go to other random websites like Facebook, Reddit, ESPN, etc. That's kinda how I write this sometimes; I sit here and write a few things, venture off to different websites until I think of something to write about, then I go back and write about it thus completing the cycle. That's not how I do it every time of course, just sometimes. Anyways, while I was venturing to different places, I did a little bit of snooping on Facebook and was very displeased with the results. People honestly get on my nerves. I don't like liars, I don't like two-faced people, and I don't like people who manipulate things to their advantage. A certain ex of mine whose name we will not disclose at this time was notorious for doing this. She would say anything to whoever to make sure she was innocent and in the right. She would even tell person #1 one side of a story and person #2 a different side of the story even though persons 1 and 2 are best friends. Even though she knew they would get together and exchange stories and trace the lies back to her, she'd do it anyways to get out of the situation at the moment. This came back to bite her many, many times and she is still suffering for it. 

The Picture of Dorian Gray tells the story of a man who sells his soul to make sure his beauty never fades. The signs of age pass through him to a painting of himself. As he leads a life of sin, the painting begins to age and become disfigured; a reminder of the effect each act has upon his soul. Eventually, the burden becomes too much for him to handle and in a rage, he stabs the portrait, thus killing himself. When people come to see what has happened, they find Dorian's body stabbed in the heart and aged to the point that only the rings on his fingers make him recognizable. The portrait however, is reverted back to its original form. The moral of the story is that you can't run from your transgressions. You can't lie to yourself. You can fool everyone around you, but you can't trick your conscience. And it will always come back to get you. It's happened to me, and I got burned pretty bad for it.

Why do we constantly sit and convince ourselves that what we are doing is fine? We waste so much time blindly groping for any justification to our actions. Why is it so difficult for people to own up to their mistakes and correct them instead of constantly trying to cover them up and act like they're not there? Guess what, Champ? They're still there! If you sit there and act like your sins aren't there, they always resurface, usually at the perfectly wrong time. The natural man is afraid of the truth. We always try to run away from it and avoid it when instead we should just take the quick burn now and not have to stew in our own guilt. 

I'm a big fan of the band-aid effect: Get it over with. People have a tendency to drag painful things our and try and take it a little at a time. Like going into cold water; instead of just jumping in and taking all of the cold at once, we dip our toe in, we move in an inch at a time, and we wait for that section of body to tolerate the water before we move on to the next tiny section of body. It's the same with a band-aid, we peel off just a little at a time, every millimeter of pain along the way. If instead we just hurry and pull off the band-aid, all the hurt happens at once but it's over a lot faster than if we pull the band-aid off slowly.  It's the same concept with repentance. When we make a mistake (get cut) we cover it up to stop the hurt (put on the band-aid). But we all know that eventually, that band-aid has to come off (we need to repent). Why do we insist on dragging it out and doing it as slowly and painfully as possible (slowly peeling the band-aid off) when instead we should hurry and get it done quickly (ripping the band-aid off) so while the pain is still there, it's only for a fleeting moment? Its even worse when we don't want to repent (don't want to take the band-aid off) because we're scared of the pain. But eventually someone, usually a loved one, will discover what you've done and will have to help fix it for you (rip the band-aid off for you) and that often comes unwanted and uninvited. 

We all make mistakes, own up to them. Don't hide them, and don't hide from them. Get it fixed, learn from your mistakes, and move forward.

Go, and sin no more.

AMS