Patience: The Great Virtue

...That I Just Can't Seem to Master

Well, here I am on week 3 of the whole "Returned Missionary" experience. 

Gosh, that's the way to start a post, right? I'm at a loss for a better intro, so we'll just have to stick with that. I know it sounds like I'm depressed, but I promise I'm not. I'm still very happy to be home, and I think I'm even starting to find my place in the 2014 version of Spanish Fork. I guess the only thing that's bogging me down is

BOREDOM

Now I'm not about to go on a rant blaming the world for my boredom, because frankly, it's not the world's fault. It's completely my fault. But nonetheless the boredom is there. This is kind of a "good news, bad news" thing. The good news is I got my job back at BYUtv! Last Friday I got a random text from my old boss saying that they'd hire me back and to come to paperwork next week! I was ecstatic about that especially since I can't start working the BYU film job until the end of the month.

Well, that's where the bad news comes into play. Like the other job, I can't work at BYUtv until the end of the month either, thus making me wait another two weeks to start working, and thus leaving my entire day each and every day completely up to me what I'm going to do.

So that's the current situation. Don't get me wrong, I am SO grateful that God's blessed me with all these work opportunities. It's just annoying that I have to wait to actually get started. It feels like those super busy days where you know that from 5-8 PM you're going to be running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to accomplish 9000+ things that have to be done in that time span but not being able to start doing any of them until 5 so you're forced to just sit and twiddle your thumbs waiting on the wave to hit you.

Something like that.

The other things that's been on my mind the last couple of weeks is:

Okay, I know you're all thinking "Alex. You need to calm down." I'm not about to jump at the first girl that bats her eyes at me, nor am I really feeling getting back in the dating game right now; but I will be honest when I say that it's been on my mind. One of the natural things that comes with getting home from a mission is that everyone you meet (particularly those that knew you before) not only ask you like crazy when you're getting married, but also jump to the assumption that you're getting married within 6 months; as if marriage is a race (though at BYU I sometimes wonder if it actually is). As if this isn't all enough, many of them are chomping at the bit to introduce you to their 18-25 year old daughter. I could look like a dead animal and they'd be so eager to introduce me purely because I am home from a mission. This, however, was all anticipated and hasn't bothered me. What has made this all get inside my head is the fact that every time I get on Facebook I see yet another Facebook friend is married or engaged. No joke, I think over half of my high school friends are married now, and the other half are on missions.

That being said, I'm not mad or annoyed at any of them, nor do I feel any amount of pressure to get a move on with anything; this is just the reason why it's been on my mind lately. I mean, it kind of is the next big step in life for me, so I can't turn a blind eye to it. I think it's just because as the closer friends start getting married, the more the reality of marriage becomes. It really starts hitting home you could say. I mean lets be honest; 2 years ago I was still a little kid fresh out of high school with a tiny amount of college experience under my belt (the fact that I'm returning to school still a freshman is also bugging me super bad). Now, I'm 21 years old, considered a "man" and "adult" by society, and as such, am expected to take on adult responsibilities; one of those is getting married and starting a family. Hearing stuff like that and picturing myself in those shoes looks something like this to me:

Either way, it's the next step of life and I'm a little intimidated by it. I mean, don't get me wrong I want to get married but I also see this as literally THE biggest decision I could ever make. This is the choice that impacts eternity and I do not want to mess this one up.

So I suppose after all of this thought vomiting, it all leads back to the theme of this post: Patience. It's never been a quality I've excelled at, and it very well may never be. I wouldn't necessarily say I have a short fuse anymore, so it's not a temperance issue, it's mostly accepting that some things are out of my control. I'm not a control freak, but I do like being able to create my circumstance. However, there are just some things in life that I have zero control over; time being the biggest of them. Then again, maybe we have more control than we think. In the Lord of the Rings, Gandalf counsels Frodo with these words:

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

 We may not be able to make those 5-8 pm assignments come any quicker in the day, but we can decide what to do while we're waiting. I can either choose to get marriage hungry and jump at the first girl that bats her eyes at me, or I can figure out who I need to become to deserve the girl of my dreams so that when I do meet her, I'm ready and worthy of her. I can either choose to be annoyed that I'm not working or in school and just sit and mope, or I can choose to utilize the free time I have right now and make good use of it. I can't control when things happen much of the time, but I can control my attitude, reaction, and outlook on those situations.

Besides, fall will eventually come and I'll be back in school taking on those challenges before I know it. I'll be living in Provo with Jake having a blast, working, going on dates, and yes, eventually finding a wife and getting married. But that's not the time I'm in right now. Right now what I can do is be excited for Jake to get home in a couple of days. With each brother coming back one by one, we're calling it "The Gathering". Brace yourselves.

In the meantime, I'll continue to make the most of the time and opportunities that I have right now. I'll take advice from the old Arabian Proverb: 

"When you are the anvil, be patient. When you are the hammer, strike."

AMS

The Adjustment

Finding the Balance: Not as Easy as You'd Think

Well, I now have about 2 weeks under my belt as a normal civilian. And yes, I'm aware that I'm still not in the habit of posting daily, even often. But the thing is, I don't have a laptop of my own which made it much easier to post before, and I'm not on the computer all that often. Furthermore, I refuse to try to do a post on a tablet or my phone. So until I have my own computer, don't expect the most frequent of posts.

Anyways, yes. I have a couple of weeks home now so I suppose I can say I have at least a taste of the real world. People have asked me several times over the past week or so what it's like to be home now. They want to know if I miss the mission, if it's hard adjusting, if I'm awkward, etc. It's hard to completely put it into words, but simply stated, it's been interesting. I don't think it's been easy, but it hasn't been hard either. It's funny, because I don't want to go back at all. My service time is over and it's time to move forward. However, I don't know how much I like being home either.

Truth be told, I don't really feel like I am home.

I've talked to Mom about this a couple of times. First, before I talk about that, I've gotta give a shout out to Mom for always being willing to drop everything to sit and talk to me about whatever. Anyways, I talked to her about how I was feeling and she summed it up like this: My house in Spanish Fork isn't my home anymore. I haven't really been steadily living here for almost 3 years now, and "home" to me is Provo now. It's just the natural step of life to want to move out and move forward with life...that is, unless you're like this guy:

To each their own I guess.

The past 2 weeks have been sometimes busy, and sometimes downright boring. I guess I'm still somewhat in the missionary mindset in terms of not being able to just sit and do nothing. I've been back on BYU campus quite a bit getting everything ready for school. So far I have an idea of where I want to live, I have 2 jobs ready for me in 2 weeks, and I'm signed up for Spring Term classes. At this point I think I would have gone downright insane if I couldn't start school until the fall. I think living here with nothing to do is already giving me cabin fever.

We're getting dangerously close to this point.

In all honesty, I really am happy to be home. I think it's just the challenge of finding my place in the world. I've basically been removed from everyone and everything I know for the past 2 years and now I'm being asked to just jump right into things like I was never gone. It's like sprinting down a moving sidewalk and then at the end being asked to go right back to walking normal. Possible? Yes. Challenging and a little awkward? Youbetcha. For example, I'm living at home, but I'm technically not under parental control. This is a little awkward for me because I feel obligated to tell them where I'm going and when I'll be back; along with constantly waiting for them to tell me I can't or I need to do something. Yet they're not. They just let me do my thing which would be fine if I weren't living under their roof. So, since I can't get my head around it, they frequently give me weird looks that say "You're an adult, you don't need to come to your parents about that."

It's a good thing though. I've just been doing a lot of things to 1) Keep me out of the house, and 2) Get me out of any "missionary comfort zone" I have. For example, 3 days after getting home, I was invited by a family friend who I had only ever written but never really talked to in person to go to the Hare Krishna Color Festival. I'd only been to this thing once and it was right before I left 2 years ago. I had a sub-par experience, but I felt like it'd be a good thing to do so I went. I'll be honest, it was super hard to act normal and just embrace everything that was going on, but it was fun and I think it helped me a lot.

I've been on a couple of dates and I've been out and about doing different things like Temple Square, Museums, and just being back hanging with the bros. I've also been home with the family a lot watching movies and just spending time with them. I'm still in the process of figuring out how to integrate mission habits I want to keep going without being a goober of an RM. As long as I can avoid this, I think I'll be okay:

AMS

El Regreso

I'm Home

Oh man, that was the trip of my life.

Yep, the rumors are true. I am back from my mission. Two years of incredible experiences, way too many to be mentioned here, and now I'm home and ready to take on life.

Actually, to be quite honest, I don't know how to feel still. I've been on a mission. It's a two year commitment that changes everything about you internally and externally. I say internally because my experience has changed man things about me. I would say generally I'm still Alex, but a better version with a better understanding of who I am and what God expects of me. Basically, Alex 2.0 which is exactly one of the reasons I went out in the first place. It's incredible how much your outlook on life can change simply by serving the world. My desires and priorities in life have changed dramatically, and I think overall I'm more prepared to take on the challenges of an adult life. What I have learned over the past 2 years will make me a better husband and father, a better employee and student, a better priesthood holder, and a better citizen of the community. Simply speaking, I left home a boy, and came home a man.

And then I post pictures like this...

Now when I say externally, I mean that nothing is the same from when I left home. I do remember at the beginning of my mission praying that God would push the reset button on my life, but I guess I didn't realize to what extent he would do that. From the moment I got home I could tell that things were completely different. For one thing, our house has been remodeled and I hardly recognize it anymore. Not that that's a bad thing, it's just different. Another is how ridiculously big Benjamin has gotten. He just sprouted up into this mini Goliath and is suddenly the tallest in the family!

On top of all that, Whitney, Micah, and Grandma and Grandpa are serving missions, so I came back to a very small family. I don't have the same job at BYUtv since my boss Steve Lowe retired, my girlfriend from before the mission is engaged (along with, no joke, everyone and their dog), and all in all things are just different. But you know what?

That's okay.

I honestly can't complain and it would be wrong of me to complain about any of this. I've been gone from everyone and everything for two years and it would be stupid of me to whine that the world just so happened to keep turning during those 24 months. They may have gone fast, really fast, but there still 24 months and that's a lot of time for a lot of changes. Besides, if I asked for changes, I have to expect changes. That's how a loving God works; He gives us what we want. Always.

In all of this, I have two options: One is to whine and mope and mourn that I'm home and things are hard, or I can take the experiences I had in South Texas, learn from them, and move forward in life more prepared to face challenges as they come. I'm going to choose the latter. I was called by the Lord to serve Him for 24 months, no more, no less. At the end of it all, I can honestly say that I did that, and I did it honorably. I don't think after all of that faithful, hard work that God wants me to just sit and reflect and be sad that it's over. As Dr. Seuss once said:

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

Well, the moment I waited and prepared for my whole life is now over. And you know what? I'm smiling. I'm smiling because my life will be forever changed. I'm smiling for the people of South Texas who now occupy a part of my heart I didn't know existed. I'm smiling because there are so many opportunities waiting just around the corner that I can take advantage of with a new outlook and newly acquired skills.  I am smiling because the Lord loves me and trusted me enough to send me to help bring people to Salvation, and now He trusts me to move forward and to continue to be a blessing, not a burden. Besides, our favorite hymn "Called to Serve" doesn't suggest a time limit. In fact, the oft repeated line of the song says:

Onward, ever onward.

It's great to be home.

AMS